Turning to Your Spouse

You can imagine my feelings when I got a phone call from my husband asking me to come pick him up. I was confused. Could there be something wrong with the truck? Was he broken down somewhere? Not even close. He had been pulled over, and a cop was impounding his truck. I immediately started the why questions. “Why was is he impounding your truck, what did you do?” My husband does not have a reputation for driving slowly, or safely. This has been a subject of many arguments in our relationship. As it happened, my husband accelerated quickly from a stoplight, and squealed his tires around the corner as he made a left-hand turn. The police saw him do it, and radioed ahead to another cop to pull my husband over. In my husband eyes he was a victim. He said that the cop was belligerent, and domineering. They “threw the book at him”. He was cited for exhibition of speed. In a nut shell, they cited him for racing. This citation comes with heavy fines, including impounding fees. To say the least, I was not on my husbands’ side. After many conversations about my husband driving, I hoped that this would finally teach him a lesson. I was not supportive of my husband at all. Instead of turning to him at his time of need, I turned away. He got a lawyer and fought the ticket. He got the charges dropped to a lesser citation, and a little less fine. We still paid allot in lawyer fees, impounding fees, and citation fees. To say the least, this was not my shining moment of a supportive wife.

            As I look back at this experience, my heart is sad. I could have stepped up in a big way and been my husband’s biggest supporter. It did not matter that I did not agree with my husbands’ actions. What mattered is that my husband saw that I was on his side. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, PH.D. (2015) explains that in order for a couple to build a trusting lasting relationship, they must respond to “bids” for attention by turning towards his or her spouse (Pg. 88). Gottman states. “Each time partners turn towards each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their motional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they are face with major life stress or conflict” (Gottman, Pg. 88). Gottman suggests steps for a couple who wants to practice turning towards each other. These are not necessarily large step, but small things that lead to a large bank of turning to one another:

• Step One: “Be aware of how crucial mini-moments are” (Gottman, Pg. 89). Do not take the everyday interactions for granted. Turning to your spouse in the little things, will be great practice in preparing you for the big things.
• Step Two: “Small gestures lead to another and another” (Gottman, Pg. 89). Rome was not built in a day. Marriages are not built overnight. I can recall many conversations that my husband and I have had about marriage correction. We always fail after these conversations, because we try to fix things all at once. A mountain can only be moved one shovel full at a time, or better yet, one pebble at a time. Start turning to your spouse with a small gesture, and soon you find that it will be easy to turn to them. If you can see that your spouse has had a bad day, rather than responding with negativity to their mood, try to do some thing that will help them in their stress. Remember that you are not there to fix the problem, or even change their mood. You are there to help, to turn to your spouse.

I would like to add an additional step to Gottman’s list:

• Step Three: Turn to Christ. In his book, Drawing Heaven int Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, PH.D. (2009), tells of a time that Brigham Young was approached my two sisters, both wanting a divorce from their husbands. Goddard paraphrases his response: “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrections, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him” (Goddard, Pg. 59). Goddard goes on to state, “When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Filled with fain, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). I would add fret not, panic not” (Goddard, Pg. 59). “President Ezra Taft Benson taught…, “When we put God first, all other things will fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love for the lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interest we pursue, and the order of our priorities” (Goddard, Pg. 57). If we put Christ at the center of our lives, it will be easier to turn towards our Spouse. We will want to be on the side of our eternal companion.

            In conclusion, if your spouse calls you up asking for a ride, turn to them immediately. Do not assume the worse in them. In every interaction that you have with your spouse, find a way to turn to him or her. These efforts do not have to be big. It is the small things that matter most. Remember that practice makes perfect. The more practice you have, the better you will be at it, and the better your marriage will be.

References

Goddard, H. W., PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Harmony Books.