I have always been a firm believer that for every negative there needs to be five things positive. When I was a Young Women leader, I would always make the girls say five things positive when they said anything negative. When I was a Trek Ma, my kids were tired of saying positive things by the time they went home (there was allot of negative going around our camp. Trek is hard). I am thrilled to say, that marriage is no different. Dr John M. Gottman proves that a marriage needs five positives to every negative:
“To understand the difference between happy and unhappy couples, Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson began doing longitudinal studies of couples in the 1970s. They asked couples to solve a conflict in their relationship in 15 minutes, then sat back and watched. After carefully reviewing the tapes and following up with them nine years later, they were able to predict which couples would stay together and which would divorce with over 90% accuracy.
“Their discovery was simple. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict. There is a very specific ratio that makes love last.
“That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions” (Benson).
It is troubling to think that the amount of negative interactions that a couple has between them can actually predict the trouble they will have in the future. I want to believe that every person understands what a negative reaction is, however, I am often surprised when my seven-year-old tells me I am being mean to him when I am asking him to do something. Perceptions of negativity can be different for every person. It is important to know what a negative interaction is before we can define the positive. “Dr. Gottman explains in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail that “anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive.” Negative interactions during conflict include being emotionally dismissive or critical, or becoming defensive. Body language such as eye-rolling can be a powerful negative interaction” (Benson)
When a couple realizes the negative, they should be quick to initiate five positives to keep their marriage moving in a positive direction. Here are ideas for your five positive interactions that follow a negative. Dr Gottman suggests: “Be interested, express affection, demonstrate they matter, intentional appreciation, find opportunities for agreement, empathize and apologize, accept your partner’s perspective, and finally, make jokes” (Benson).
It may be helpful to keep a log of these types of interactions. I always say that it takes three weeks to make a habit. Tracking your interactions for three weeks, and consciously trying to have a 5 to 1 ration of positives to negatives, your marriage will always be heading up. When you are logging, make a special note if there are to many negatives. It will take time, but a couple can create positives through special effort.
Reference
Benson, Kyle. “The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science.” The Gottman Institute, 30 Oct. 2018, http://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/.
Making Marriage Happy 