In-Laws

                  I am happy to say that I have a wonderful mother-in-law. She is so good to my family. She has helped me at times of need, but is non intrusive. She is always happy to be with us, but makes sure that we feel no pressure to be present. I here horror stories about evil in-laws that make me even more grateful for my mother-in-law. I want to grow up and be a mother-in-law that is just like her. “Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. When married children are treated with respect and love in this matter, they are more likely to want to spend more time with parents (page 330) and extended family. Demands, expectations, manipulations, ultimatums, threats, and emotional blackmailing tend to strain or destroy relationships” (Harper & Frost, 2005).

                  The question still remains: What do you do if you have one of those crazy in-laws? “If married children are having enmeshment difficulties with their parents and parents-in-law, they may want to (a) first express love to the parents for all that they do, (b) explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity, and (c) explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship. It is important to express that this is not betrayal or withdrawal of love and to assure the parents that the couple will participate in some family activities” (Harper & Frost, 2005).

It is also important for the children to know that when they leave their home and get married, their new focus is their new spouse and not their parents. Their parents will be alright, and will eventually adjust to the absence of their child. In Genesis 2:24 we read, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Doctrine and Covenants states, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart,” the Lord said, “and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” (D&C 42:22.)  It does not say that a man should leave his father and mother and call them for every problem they have. He should cleave to his wife, and nobody else. The same goes for the woman. The woman should go to her husband with her problems, not her mom. It is so important to keep a relationship between child and parents, but there has to be a healthy balance between spouse and parents, leaning more to the spouse then parents. It is wise to define that line with your spouse, and then discuss it with love with your parents.

Money

                  It is interesting to note that every family has different rules, spoken and unspoken. “Often it is while making wedding plans that a couple first encounters differences in family rules. Some of these differences will create conflict within the individual, and some will create conflict between the individuals” (Poduska, 2000). It is important for couples to acknowledge their own set of rules, and then decide what rules they will establish in their new family. Rules should include how they will manage their money. If a couple never sets rules and boundaries, then money will be a constant problem. A couple who communicates spending, budgets, and saves, will be secure. Each person brings to the marriage their own set of rules about how money is to be handled. Some are tight and don’t spend, and others are willy nilly, and spend, spend, spend. If rules are not established, marriages will struggle.  

References

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

President Henry B. Eyring said, “The Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, said of those who would be part of His Church: “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27). And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command! “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity” (Eyring, 1998). If we know that God command man and woman to be one, then why is it so hard for so many couples to be one? Unfortunately, Satan messes with our natural man, and distorts the truths that God intended for us. President Eyring continues, “All of us have felt something of both union and separation. Sometimes in families and perhaps in other settings we have glimpsed life when one person put the interests of another above his or her own, in love and with sacrifice. And all of us know something of the sadness and loneliness of being separate and alone. We don’t need to be told which we should choose. We know. But we need hope that we can experience unity in this life and qualify to have it forever in the world to come. And we need to know how that great blessing will come so that we can know what we must do” (Eyring, 1998).

Companionship, and especially oneness in a marriage is not something that I think any would pass up. They know how beautiful it is, and can be. I personally have experience oneness in my marriage. No, I do not have a perfect marriage, but I have had glimpses into what a celestial marriage is like. The feeling of oneness in marriage is one of the grandest feelings that you can possible have. I want this feeling always. I want to give my marriage every ounce of effort now, so that I can feel this oneness always in the world to come. The question remains: How do we obtain oneness in marriage?

Become One Through Christ

Christ taught the way for a man and a woman to be one. While praying with His apostles at the las supper, Christ gives man the tool that they need to achieve oneness: “And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me” (John 17:18–21). When our marriages are sanctified through Christ they are one. Howard W. Hunter stated, “Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives” (Hunter, 1979). A Christ centered marriage is a unified marriage, of repentance and forgiveness.

Through the power or the Holy Ghost, we are Unified

President Eyring explains another tool that brings oneness in a marriage: “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls” (Eyring, 1998). Living a life worthy of having the Holy Ghost as your guide, gives each individual the power to become one with their spouse.

Keep Your Covenants, and Be One

President Eyring describes the next tool as keeping covenants: “First, we promise to take His name upon us. That means we must see ourselves as His. We will put Him first in our lives. We will want what He wants rather than what we want or what the world teaches us to want. As long as we love the things of the world first, there will be no peace in us. Second, we promise always to remember Him. We do that every time we pray in His name. Especially when we ask for His forgiveness, as we must do often, we remember Him. At that moment we remember His sacrifice that makes repentance and forgiveness possible. When we plead, we remember Him as our advocate with the Father. When the feelings of forgiveness and peace come, we remember His patience and His endless love. That remembering fills our hearts with love. Third, we promise as we take the sacrament to keep His commandments, all of them.” (Eyring, 1998). A covenant keeping person, is one who is filled with love for their spouse.

Be Unified Through Christ, Be Worthy of the Holy Ghost, Keep Your Covenants, and Be One.

References

Eyring, H. B. (1998, April). That We May Be One. Retrieved from churchofjesuschrist.org

Hunter, H. W. (1979). Reading the Scriptures. Retrieved from churchofjesuschrist.org

When God created Adam and Eve, he commanded them to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 9:1), a command that refers to having children. God further commands a man to “cleave unto his wife”, that they should become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). God intended a husband and wife to fully exercise their sexual relationship. It is meant to be beautiful, wonderful, exciting, and empowering. Sex was instituted by God, to create man, and to draw a husband and wife together as one. If used the way that God intended, it does just that.

Unfortunately, the world (Satan), and the natural man have twisted and distorted sex. It has become a tool of gratification, lust, and even recreation. Satan has used sex as a way of dragging man and woman down. Making them feel worthless, and unclean. Satan wants nothing more than for man to use sex in a way God has not intended. For this reason, the youth of the Church are taught to restrain, abstain, and fight for their chastity. Sex becomes taboo, and is not talked about. For many, sex seems ugly and unclean. It is good for the youth to learn how to bridal their passions. In fact, if they can rise above the world, and fight for their chastity, they will be a stronger and cleaner people. Sadly, this fight can have an adverse effect. These same youth never learn about the beauty of sex. They never fully grasp the reason sex was instituted in the first place. They start marriage with a naive, and uniformed view of sex that can hurt their relationship. It is important for the youth to be taught how wonderful sex is when employed the way that God intended. Parents should talk to their children about sex within marriage. Of course, parents should not share personal details about their sexual relations, but help the youth know how wonderful it is between them. The youth should understand exactly why they are being taught to abstain. When a couple gets married, they should talk about sex. Dr. Sean E. Brotherson quotes a friend: “For some LDS couples, especially those where one or both struggle with negative feelings about sex, doctrinal permission feels needed to even discuss or study such things. It is okay to read about sex. It is okay to talk about sex.”

President Hugh B. Brown, wrote:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose… … if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, … much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided.”” (Brown, 73, 76)

Brent A. Barlow explains:

“To be able to know each other physically, couples need to talk together about the physical dimensions of their relationship. Partners who feel free to discuss finances, discipline, recreational activities, and so forth, often feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just “naturally” work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true. While these intimacies, because of their sacred nature, should not be discussed with friends or other relatives, it is totally appropriate to discuss them with a marriage partner.

“Talking about this intimate relationship—including the emotional feelings that attend it—can go a long way in strengthening a marriage.

“Some problems in this aspect of marriage occur when one spouse or the other either unwisely limits its use or uses it inappropriately. Sexuality should be an integral part of loving and giving. Any use which doesn’t include these feelings is improper” (Barlow, 1986).

Barlow goes on to share the roles that both the husband and the wife have in sexual intimacy:

“If [the] husband places other things first and is unable to find time to develop intimacy in other parts of his relationship with his wife, she will probably not be very interested in sexual intimacy.

“A wife may not be interested if she feels her husband is unaware of or doesn’t care about the seemingly small struggles of her life… Wives also enjoy romance. The problem here is that sometimes husbands and wives have a different definition of romance. Many wives include in their definition the time they spend together doing things they are both interested in. They include expressions of love both verbal and written, or small gifts that have meaning for just the two of them. If the romance in marriage is limited to sexuality, wives may feel more exploited than loved.”

“Perhaps the most important thing a wife can do to improve the sexual relationship in her marriage is to realize her husband is also a human being with various needs, hopes, and aspirations… when she stops for a quick hug or even better, initiates the affectionate action herself, she deepens the love between her and her husband.

“I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband. The key is unselfishness” (Barlow, 1986).

Marriage, in a way is spelled, M-a-r-r-“you”-a-g-e. Marriage is not about “I”. It is about “you” and “we”. So it is with sexual intimacy. “We” will talk about sexual relationships together. “I” will focus on “you”. “We” will work together to make sex great in our marriage. “We” will become what God intended us to become, and that includes sex the way that God intended it to be.

References

Barlow, B. A. (1986, September). They Twain Shall Be One. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

Brotherson, S. E. (2003). Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage. Meridian Magazine. http://www.meridianmagazine.com

Brown, H. B. (1960). You and your marriage. Bookcraft.

Have you and your spouse ever experienced gridlock, where you have a perpetual disagreement that you cannot resolve? You might ask what a gridlock is. DR. John M. Gottman describes gridlock:

            When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to mind is of two opposing fists. Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible (Gottman, 236).

How do you know if you are in gridlock? Gottman states that you know you are in gridlock if:

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. This issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—or giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self (Gottman, 237).

Try to understand the underlying issue that might be causing the gridlock:

Does your spouse have hopes and dreams that cause them to feel the way that they do? Are their things in your spouses past that have molded their opinion and position on the gridlock subject? The solution is to see the world through the eyes of your spouse. Why do they feel the way that they do? What is making them feel that way? Remember, your job is not to fix your spouse and his or her view/dreams/goal/aspirations, but it is to understand them. You need to understand what causes them to feel and act the way they do towards your gridlock. Do not criticize them for the way they think or feel, just listen. Though his or her hopes or dreams may be contrary to your own, they are not meant as an attack or a threat. Listen for understanding. Your goal should be to become a part of your partners dream. This could be you becoming a spectator, cheering them on from the sidelines, or becoming an active participant. The most important thing to overcoming gridlock is to become a part of each other’s dreams. You decide what this looks like. Find some common ground. Remember that there are some issues that you should not give on due to needs or core values. Other issued can be incredibly flexible. Both areas have a need for comprise. Be patient with each other as you both try to discover each other’s views, and work together to come together. Remember to take a “time out” if the conversation gets heated. Allow the conversation to carry on at a later time when you are both chilled out. You can find relaxation together to calm down.

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard states: “We are all familiar with the lack of charity. We have all felt the critical, negative, carping, nit-picking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that comes easily to the natural man. Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other” (Goddard, 119)

We can each see the good in our spouse, if we choose to. We can choose to stay in gridlock, and continue to see our spouse as the enemy, or we can choose to be compassionate towards our spouse. We can see them through a different lens. The lens of the love of Christ. Either way, it is a choice. What will you choose?

References

Goddard, H. W., PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Harmony             Books.

            Every marriage has conflict. John M Gottman, PH.D, explains the two types of conflict in a marriage: “Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another. Once you ae able to identify and define your various disagreements, you’ll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you’re having” (Gottman, 137). To illustrate, here are two examples of conflicts that my husband and I have in our marriage. One is a quickly resolved conflict, and the other, one that has plagued our marriage for years:

Quickly Resolved:

            My husband and I are shopping for a blow-up raft to do a river float with his family. We have been looking online, and exploring the stores near us. We found one that we both agree will be a good option for our family. However, at an additional charge it comes with a motor mount, and the option to buy a motor. My intentions for this boat are to do a quiet little float down a calm river. The boat comes with oars for us to paddle with. My husband on the other hand, thinks we should buy the motor mount with the intentions to eventually buy a motor. The reason we are buying this raft is to save money on a rental, and have it as an investment instead of losing the money. In my right mind, I do not see the value of paying extra for a motor mount that we will never use. I never see us buying an expensive motor for a blow-up raft. My husband sees it as a good investment, and also the potential to somehow use the motor. (I have to add, we do not fish. Perhaps he wants to pick up fishing someday). This was a short discussion, and honestly, I am laughing about it now. I do not understand my husbands thinking here, but honestly, it is fifteen dollars more for the mount. If he thinks that someday he might use it, great. This conflict was easily resolved. I had to just get over myself, and let him have his way. Sometimes that is how conflicts are solved.  

Perpetual:

            Something that has been a source of conflict in my marriage for the entirety of our marriage is my desire for sleep. I blame my drowsiness on my mom, and my grandma. They were nappers, and I think it has gone for generations. We all love to sleep. However, my husband’s family are not that way. They woke up early, and worked until way after sun down. My husband thinks that naps are wasting time and laziness. When we first got married, I was in the habit of taking regular naps. My husband had a really hard time with that. Over our nineteen years of marriage, we have learned to take napping lightly. My husband will occasionally fall asleep on the couch, and I have greatly depreciated the amounts of naps I take. It has taken some give on both of our parts. My husband teases me because I am always tired. I have learned to laugh, and agree with him. We have both become more accepting of the other’s point of view. We have learned that sleep is not something that we want to overwhelm our relationship.

            The key to saving your marriage, is to finding coping strategies for both kinds of conflicts. In the case of our short-term conflict, a resolution, and forgiveness were quickly reached. With our perpetual conflict, we have developed coping mechanisms that prevent this conflict from overwhelming our relationship. We avoid situation that worsen the conflict, and implement routines that help lessen them. Most of all, we have learned to be good-natured about the reoccurring conflict. I believe that admittance is the first step. When we can see the problem, that is when we can work towards a solution. The solution may not be a resolution, but it can be a coping mechanism. “Remember to be gentle with each other…No one is right…Focus on fondness and admiration” (Gottman, 157-158). Repent and ask forgiveness when needed. Two simple words, “I’m sorry”, can heal wounds, and marriages.

Forgiveness

            When conflicts are unsolvable, or partners fail to see good in each other, the problem may lie in lack of forgiveness. H. Wallace Goddard, PH.D. stated, “The natural spouse is an enemy to marriage. We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then when our partners are unable to meet all our needs, we become resentful. Our distance and resentment are communicated in subtle–or direct—ways. But the message is clear: “You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment. Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and appreciate you” (Goddard, 106). Wouldn’t it be a different world if instead of sending messages of disappointment and a lack of love, we showed forgiveness and compassion.

            James E. Faust teaches us how to feel peace in our marriages: “It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. For all of us who forgive “those who trespass against us,” even those who have committed serious crimes, the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort” (Faust, 2007). A person who can exhibit a forgiving heart in their marriage will experience greater joy than they ever knew possible.

            I conclude with a challenge from Dr. Goddard: “Are you willing to try a 30-day experiment? For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner? Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner? Rather than count the cost, will you consider seeing the investment as Paul did? He said, “I consider a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ”. Are you willing to invest you whole soul in the hope that you will gain everlasting joy” (Goddard, 112)?

References

Faust, J. E. (2007, April). The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W., PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Harmony             Books.

Pride always comes before the fall. Pride has destroyed nations throughout history. Nations fall because of the pride of its people. They thought and cared only for themselves. So it is with marriage. If anyone is in a marriage looking for “what is in it for me”, they will always be sorely disappointed. Marriage is not about “me”. Only when a person can forget about his or herself will they find gratification in the union they are in. In his 1989 General Conference address, Beware of Pride, President Ezra Taft Benson said this of pride: “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking… Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.” One would do well to realize that selfish pride will come before the fall of his or her marriage.

How do we overcome pride in our marriages?

President Benson explained, “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, [and] submissiveness….) It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. ” (Benson, 1989).

How do we become humble in our marriages?

I will let President Benson answer this question, and teach us a very valuable lesson on how to become humble in our marriages:

“We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (See D&C 38:24; D&C 81:5; D&C 84:106.) We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. (See Jacob 4:10; Hel. 15:3; D&C 63:55; D&C 101:4–5; D&C 108:1; D&C 124:61, 84; D&C 136:31; Prov. 9:8.) We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. (See 3 Ne. 13:11, 14; D&C 64:10.) We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. (See Mosiah 2:16–17.) We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. (See Alma 4:19; Alma 31:5; Alma 48:20.) We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently. We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. (See D&C 58:43; Mosiah 27:25–26; Alma 5:7–14, 49.) We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives (See 3 Ne. 11:11; 3 Ne. 13:33; Moro. 10:32.)” (Benson, 1989).

How do we become meek in our marriages?

Meekness is defined as a person who is quiet, gentle, and patient. In his 2013 General Conference address, Elder Ulisses Soares defines meekness this way: “Meekness is vital for us to become more Christlike. Without it we won’t be able to develop other important virtues. Being meek does not mean weakness, but it does mean behaving with goodness and kindness, showing strength, serenity, healthy self-worth, and self-control.” Being meek in a marriage is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of great strength. Every time a person bites his or her tongue, or refrains from being angry, they are being meek in their marriage.

How do we become submissive in our marriages?

Dictionary.com defines submissive as “ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive. However, I do not think this is what God intends us to be in our marriages. When we submit to our spouse, it does not mean that we see them as an authority figure, and be obedient like a dog would to their master. To illustrate this point, I want to refer you to an article by Spencer J. Condie titled, And We Did Liken the Scriptures unto Our Marriage. Brother Condie tells of a couple who are working to make the scriptures real in their marriage. Susan approaches her husband Bill about a scripture that had troubled her for some time: Ephesians 5: 22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” Bills thoughtfully turned to the scripture and referred to the verses before and after to put into context what exactly these verses are saying.

“Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children;

“And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us. …

“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. …

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

“For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. …

“Let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” (Eph. 5:1–2, 21–25, 28–29, 33.)

Bill then turns to his sweet wife and says, ““Sweetheart, Paul says that wives should submit themselves to their husbands and that the husband is the head of the wife ‘even as Christ is the head of the church.’ I want to ask your forgiveness for the many times I’ve failed to be a Christlike husband. Too often I’ve thought only of my own needs and pleasures without giving a second thought to you and the children. I really am going to try harder to incorporate the Savior’s teachings in my life, to serve you and the children rather than commanding you and making demands on you.

“There have been times,” he continued, “when I’ve really felt like a henpecked husband. I guess I felt like I was being pushed into submission to you. But since we’ve been trying to incorporate the scriptures into our lives, I’ve come to realize that no husband who gladly loses himself in the service of his wife and family can be considered henpecked—because he is doing what makes them happiest, and their happiness becomes a great source of joy in his own life” (Condie, 1984).

How do we have a broken heart and contrite spirit in our marriages?

            Simply put, to have a broken heart in our marriages, a person must feel sorrow for their mistakes and weaknesses. They want to fix their mistakes, and right the wrongs. Repentance is a tool repeatedly used by a person with a broken heart.

            A contrite spirit within a marriage is a person who has a fervent and sincere desire to make things better. This person feels love and peace towards their spouse. When feelings of anger, discontent, frustrations, and disdain creep in, a contrite spirit finds forgiveness.

References

Benson, E. T. (1989, April 1). Beware of Pride. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Condie, S. J. (1984). And We Did Liken the Scriptures unto Our Marriage. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1984/04/and-we-did-liken-the-scriptures-unto-our-marriage?lang=eng

Soares, U. (2013, October). Be Meek and Lowly of Heart. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/be-meek-and-lowly-of-heart?lang=eng

You can imagine my feelings when I got a phone call from my husband asking me to come pick him up. I was confused. Could there be something wrong with the truck? Was he broken down somewhere? Not even close. He had been pulled over, and a cop was impounding his truck. I immediately started the why questions. “Why was is he impounding your truck, what did you do?” My husband does not have a reputation for driving slowly, or safely. This has been a subject of many arguments in our relationship. As it happened, my husband accelerated quickly from a stoplight, and squealed his tires around the corner as he made a left-hand turn. The police saw him do it, and radioed ahead to another cop to pull my husband over. In my husband eyes he was a victim. He said that the cop was belligerent, and domineering. They “threw the book at him”. He was cited for exhibition of speed. In a nut shell, they cited him for racing. This citation comes with heavy fines, including impounding fees. To say the least, I was not on my husbands’ side. After many conversations about my husband driving, I hoped that this would finally teach him a lesson. I was not supportive of my husband at all. Instead of turning to him at his time of need, I turned away. He got a lawyer and fought the ticket. He got the charges dropped to a lesser citation, and a little less fine. We still paid allot in lawyer fees, impounding fees, and citation fees. To say the least, this was not my shining moment of a supportive wife.

            As I look back at this experience, my heart is sad. I could have stepped up in a big way and been my husband’s biggest supporter. It did not matter that I did not agree with my husbands’ actions. What mattered is that my husband saw that I was on his side. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, PH.D. (2015) explains that in order for a couple to build a trusting lasting relationship, they must respond to “bids” for attention by turning towards his or her spouse (Pg. 88). Gottman states. “Each time partners turn towards each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their motional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they are face with major life stress or conflict” (Gottman, Pg. 88). Gottman suggests steps for a couple who wants to practice turning towards each other. These are not necessarily large step, but small things that lead to a large bank of turning to one another:

• Step One: “Be aware of how crucial mini-moments are” (Gottman, Pg. 89). Do not take the everyday interactions for granted. Turning to your spouse in the little things, will be great practice in preparing you for the big things.
• Step Two: “Small gestures lead to another and another” (Gottman, Pg. 89). Rome was not built in a day. Marriages are not built overnight. I can recall many conversations that my husband and I have had about marriage correction. We always fail after these conversations, because we try to fix things all at once. A mountain can only be moved one shovel full at a time, or better yet, one pebble at a time. Start turning to your spouse with a small gesture, and soon you find that it will be easy to turn to them. If you can see that your spouse has had a bad day, rather than responding with negativity to their mood, try to do some thing that will help them in their stress. Remember that you are not there to fix the problem, or even change their mood. You are there to help, to turn to your spouse.

I would like to add an additional step to Gottman’s list:

• Step Three: Turn to Christ. In his book, Drawing Heaven int Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, PH.D. (2009), tells of a time that Brigham Young was approached my two sisters, both wanting a divorce from their husbands. Goddard paraphrases his response: “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrections, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him” (Goddard, Pg. 59). Goddard goes on to state, “When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Filled with fain, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). I would add fret not, panic not” (Goddard, Pg. 59). “President Ezra Taft Benson taught…, “When we put God first, all other things will fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love for the lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interest we pursue, and the order of our priorities” (Goddard, Pg. 57). If we put Christ at the center of our lives, it will be easier to turn towards our Spouse. We will want to be on the side of our eternal companion.

            In conclusion, if your spouse calls you up asking for a ride, turn to them immediately. Do not assume the worse in them. In every interaction that you have with your spouse, find a way to turn to him or her. These efforts do not have to be big. It is the small things that matter most. Remember that practice makes perfect. The more practice you have, the better you will be at it, and the better your marriage will be.

References

Goddard, H. W., PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Harmony Books.

I have always been a firm believer that for every negative there needs to be five things positive. When I was a Young Women leader, I would always make the girls say five things positive when they said anything negative. When I was a Trek Ma, my kids were tired of saying positive things by the time they went home (there was allot of negative going around our camp. Trek is hard). I am thrilled to say, that marriage is no different. Dr John M. Gottman proves that a marriage needs five positives to every negative:

“To understand the difference between happy and unhappy couples, Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson began doing longitudinal studies of couples in the 1970s. They asked couples to solve a conflict in their relationship in 15 minutes, then sat back and watched. After carefully reviewing the tapes and following up with them nine years later, they were able to predict which couples would stay together and which would divorce with over 90% accuracy.

“Their discovery was simple. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict. There is a very specific ratio that makes love last.

“That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions” (Benson).

It is troubling to think that the amount of negative interactions that a couple has between them can actually predict the trouble they will have in the future. I want to believe that every person understands what a negative reaction is, however, I am often surprised when my seven-year-old tells me I am being mean to him when I am asking him to do something. Perceptions of negativity can be different for every person. It is important to know what a negative interaction is before we can define the positive. “Dr. Gottman explains in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail that “anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive.” Negative interactions during conflict include being emotionally dismissive or critical, or becoming defensive. Body language such as eye-rolling can be a powerful negative interaction” (Benson)

When a couple realizes the negative, they should be quick to initiate five positives to keep their marriage moving in a positive direction. Here are ideas for your five positive interactions that follow a negative. Dr Gottman suggests: “Be interested, express affection, demonstrate they matter, intentional appreciation, find opportunities for agreement, empathize and apologize, accept your partner’s perspective, and finally, make jokes” (Benson).

It may be helpful to keep a log of these types of interactions. I always say that it takes three weeks to make a habit. Tracking your interactions for three weeks, and consciously trying to have a 5 to 1 ration of positives to negatives, your marriage will always be heading up. When you are logging, make a special note if there are to many negatives. It will take time, but a couple can create positives through special effort.

Reference

Benson, Kyle. “The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science.” The Gottman Institute, 30 Oct. 2018, http://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/.

Elder David A. Bednar gives two reasons why eternal marriage between a man and a woman is essential to God’s plan:

“Reason 1: The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.”

“Reason 2: By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children” (Bednar).

From the beginning, Adam was given Eve. They were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth.

1 Corinthians 11 states: “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord”

Both a man and a woman are needed for exactly what they can do. A young man from a Seminary class that I taught compared the worlds view of marriage to cell phones. Many people go into a marriage without a commitment. When they get sick of the marriage, like a cell phone, they throw it away and get a new one. God’s view is quite contrary to the world’s. Bruce C. Hafen of the quorum of the Seventy explains:

            Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf  coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.”  Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other (Hafen).

See citation in work cited

Brother Hafen describes three different wolves that test a marriage: Natural adversity, own imperfections, and excessive individualism (Hafen). A marriage has to be trained to fight through the wolves. Like a shepherd that protects his sheep, a man and woman have got to protect their marriage. Rather than an image of a cell phone marriage, a man and a woman need to see their marriage compared to a lamb that they, as shepherds, will do anything to protect.

            Elder C. Hafen concludes his remarks:

            May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy (Hafen).

See citation below

A marriage is a binding and everlasting covenant. It is not like an old worn out pair of shoes that we discard when it gets worn out. It takes great care to keep a marriage alive and well. When a couple works together to make their marriage celestial, God smiles from Heaven. I have had experiences every kind of wolf in my marriage. I can testify that wolves can be over come. It is a fight, but it is a fight work making.

Works Cited

Bednar, D. A. (n.d.). Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan(2006 ed., Vol. May, Ensign). Lds.org.

Hafen, Bruce C.  “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26. Lds.org

I want to start my blog today by stating strongly that I truly love all people regardless of their gender, race, looks, and marital status. While there are actions of some men that I do not condone, I still love the man. I see all men and women as children of God. As children of God, all men deserve to be loved, not matter what their choices are.

President Russell M. Nelson reminds us, “Brothers and sisters, undergirded by incontrovertible truth, proclaim your love for God! Proclaim your love for all human beings “with malice toward none, with charity for all.”²⁰ They as children of God are our brothers and sisters. We value their rights and feelings. But we cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. It is not for man to change.”

“God loves His children. And if they love Him, they will show that love by keeping His commandments,²¹ including chastity before marriage and total fidelity within marriage. Scriptures warn that behavior contrary to the commandments of the Lord will not only deprive couples of divinely approved intimacy but will bring about the stern judgments of God” (Nelson, 2014).

Chief Justice John Roberts joined with the dissenters to legalize same sex marriage on June 26, 2015. However, Justice Roberts does not agree with same sex marriage. He listened to debate for six years from some very strong supporters. He watched as same sex activists worked to change the minds of Americans. The activists gained much ground and got many people to support their cause. With such a strong voice, they were heard. The legal team was, in my opinion, ruthless. With so much support, and strong legality, Justice Roberts had no choice but to join with the dissenters and legalize gay marriage.

On the day that supporters were celebrating, Roberts quotes a former justice, Benjamin Curtis: “In a dissent that has outlasted the majority opinion, Justice Curtis explained that when the “fixed rules which govern the interpretation of laws [are] abandoned, and the theoretical opinions of individuals are allowed to control” the Constitution’s meaning, “we have no longer a Constitution; we are under the government of individual men, who for the time being have power to declare what the Constitution is, according to their own views of what it ought to mean.” Id., at 621 (576 U. S. ____ (2015), Roberts, C. J., dissenting, pg. 11-12). The constitution and our very way of life is in jeopardy when strong voices of people, who really are the minority, can change the very nature of what has been since the creation of man.

Justice Roberts states, “Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship” (576 U. S. ____ (2015), Roberts, C. J., dissenting, pg. 4-5).

            The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”

It is Time for the Majority to Become the Strong Voice

You can be a defender of marriage between a man and a woman. You can be heard.

“Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge! For each of us, Judgment Day will be held in God’s own way and time.^”

“The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel. Great protection is available to us as we enter the waters of baptism and take upon ourselves the name of Jesus Christ.” ~President Russel M. Nelson (Nelson, 2014).

            I whole heartedly defend marriage between a man and a woman. This is the way that it has been since the beginning of the earth. This is the way that God intended it to be. Children can not natural be conceived between a same sex couple. The only way for a same sex couple to have children is through defying the laws of nature. Additionally, children have the right to be reared by a father and a mother who honor each other, and their promises of marriage.

            There are many who feel like nature is changing. There are many who feel like we need to change because times are changing. To that I say, God “is the same yesterday, today, and forever; and the way is prepared for all men from the foundation of the world” (1 Nephi 10:18). Marriage has been between man and woman from the very beginning. This law from God has not changed and it will not change. A man and woman were created to come together in a marriage union, with a commandment to “multiply and replenishing the earth” (Genesis 1:28).

            President Russell M. Nelson said, “Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad” (Nelson, 2014).

How I have Defended Marriage Between a Man and a Woman

            When we talk about defending traditional marriage, I often think of myself holding a sign and marching up and down main street in front of the court house. My sign would read: “Defender of marriage between a man and a woman”. While this may not be the way to defend traditional marriage, it often makes me chuckle to myself. It also leaves me wondering, how do I defend this marriage that I believe so strongly in. Here are the things that I have done that I believe are defending this union:

1. I married my forever husband in a traditional union that can last forever.
2. My husband and I continually work on our marriage to make it a lasting and strong union.
3. I have organized, promoted, and attended marriages classes in my community.
4. I am writing a marriage blog.
5. I am majoring in Marriage and Family where the central teaching is traditional marriage.
6. I teach my children about the sanctity of marriage between a man and a wife.
7. I teach my children about the importance of a rearing children with a mother and a father in the home.
8. I teach youth about the importance of marriage between a man and a woman.

I know that there is more I can do, and I hope to learn what that is. If you have ideas on how to be a defender of marriage between a man and a woman, please let me know. Who knows, maybe picketing main street is a good option. I am ready to walk hand in hand with my husband to defend this God given institution of marriage between a man and a woman. Come be a defender of marriage with me.

Works Cited

Nelson, R. M. (2014, August 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Retrieved from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-of-marriage/

576 U. S. ____ (2015), 14-556 Obergefell v. Hodges (06/26/2015). (n.d.). US Supreme Court. Retrieved from https://caselaw.findlaw.com/summary/opinion/us-supreme- court/2015/06/26/273882.html