In-Laws
I am happy to say that I have a wonderful mother-in-law. She is so good to my family. She has helped me at times of need, but is non intrusive. She is always happy to be with us, but makes sure that we feel no pressure to be present. I here horror stories about evil in-laws that make me even more grateful for my mother-in-law. I want to grow up and be a mother-in-law that is just like her. “Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. When married children are treated with respect and love in this matter, they are more likely to want to spend more time with parents (page 330) and extended family. Demands, expectations, manipulations, ultimatums, threats, and emotional blackmailing tend to strain or destroy relationships” (Harper & Frost, 2005).
The question still remains: What do you do if you have one of those crazy in-laws? “If married children are having enmeshment difficulties with their parents and parents-in-law, they may want to (a) first express love to the parents for all that they do, (b) explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity, and (c) explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship. It is important to express that this is not betrayal or withdrawal of love and to assure the parents that the couple will participate in some family activities” (Harper & Frost, 2005).
It is also important for the children to know that when they leave their home and get married, their new focus is their new spouse and not their parents. Their parents will be alright, and will eventually adjust to the absence of their child. In Genesis 2:24 we read, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Doctrine and Covenants states, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart,” the Lord said, “and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” (D&C 42:22.) It does not say that a man should leave his father and mother and call them for every problem they have. He should cleave to his wife, and nobody else. The same goes for the woman. The woman should go to her husband with her problems, not her mom. It is so important to keep a relationship between child and parents, but there has to be a healthy balance between spouse and parents, leaning more to the spouse then parents. It is wise to define that line with your spouse, and then discuss it with love with your parents.
Money
It is interesting to note that every family has different rules, spoken and unspoken. “Often it is while making wedding plans that a couple first encounters differences in family rules. Some of these differences will create conflict within the individual, and some will create conflict between the individuals” (Poduska, 2000). It is important for couples to acknowledge their own set of rules, and then decide what rules they will establish in their new family. Rules should include how they will manage their money. If a couple never sets rules and boundaries, then money will be a constant problem. A couple who communicates spending, budgets, and saves, will be secure. Each person brings to the marriage their own set of rules about how money is to be handled. Some are tight and don’t spend, and others are willy nilly, and spend, spend, spend. If rules are not established, marriages will struggle.
References
Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.
Making Marriage Happy 