Have you and your spouse ever experienced gridlock, where you have a perpetual disagreement that you cannot resolve? You might ask what a gridlock is. DR. John M. Gottman describes gridlock:
When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to mind is of two opposing fists. Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible (Gottman, 236).
How do you know if you are in gridlock? Gottman states that you know you are in gridlock if:
- You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
- Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
- This issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
- Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—or giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self (Gottman, 237).
Try to understand the underlying issue that might be causing the gridlock:
Does your spouse have hopes and dreams that cause them to feel the way that they do? Are their things in your spouses past that have molded their opinion and position on the gridlock subject? The solution is to see the world through the eyes of your spouse. Why do they feel the way that they do? What is making them feel that way? Remember, your job is not to fix your spouse and his or her view/dreams/goal/aspirations, but it is to understand them. You need to understand what causes them to feel and act the way they do towards your gridlock. Do not criticize them for the way they think or feel, just listen. Though his or her hopes or dreams may be contrary to your own, they are not meant as an attack or a threat. Listen for understanding. Your goal should be to become a part of your partners dream. This could be you becoming a spectator, cheering them on from the sidelines, or becoming an active participant. The most important thing to overcoming gridlock is to become a part of each other’s dreams. You decide what this looks like. Find some common ground. Remember that there are some issues that you should not give on due to needs or core values. Other issued can be incredibly flexible. Both areas have a need for comprise. Be patient with each other as you both try to discover each other’s views, and work together to come together. Remember to take a “time out” if the conversation gets heated. Allow the conversation to carry on at a later time when you are both chilled out. You can find relaxation together to calm down.
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard states: “We are all familiar with the lack of charity. We have all felt the critical, negative, carping, nit-picking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that comes easily to the natural man. Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other” (Goddard, 119)
We can each see the good in our spouse, if we choose to. We can choose to stay in gridlock, and continue to see our spouse as the enemy, or we can choose to be compassionate towards our spouse. We can see them through a different lens. The lens of the love of Christ. Either way, it is a choice. What will you choose?
References
Goddard, H. W., PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Harmony Books.
Making Marriage Happy 