Every marriage has conflict. John M Gottman, PH.D, explains the two types of conflict in a marriage: “Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another. Once you ae able to identify and define your various disagreements, you’ll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you’re having” (Gottman, 137). To illustrate, here are two examples of conflicts that my husband and I have in our marriage. One is a quickly resolved conflict, and the other, one that has plagued our marriage for years:
Quickly Resolved:
My husband and I are shopping for a blow-up raft to do a river float with his family. We have been looking online, and exploring the stores near us. We found one that we both agree will be a good option for our family. However, at an additional charge it comes with a motor mount, and the option to buy a motor. My intentions for this boat are to do a quiet little float down a calm river. The boat comes with oars for us to paddle with. My husband on the other hand, thinks we should buy the motor mount with the intentions to eventually buy a motor. The reason we are buying this raft is to save money on a rental, and have it as an investment instead of losing the money. In my right mind, I do not see the value of paying extra for a motor mount that we will never use. I never see us buying an expensive motor for a blow-up raft. My husband sees it as a good investment, and also the potential to somehow use the motor. (I have to add, we do not fish. Perhaps he wants to pick up fishing someday). This was a short discussion, and honestly, I am laughing about it now. I do not understand my husbands thinking here, but honestly, it is fifteen dollars more for the mount. If he thinks that someday he might use it, great. This conflict was easily resolved. I had to just get over myself, and let him have his way. Sometimes that is how conflicts are solved.
Perpetual:
Something that has been a source of conflict in my marriage for the entirety of our marriage is my desire for sleep. I blame my drowsiness on my mom, and my grandma. They were nappers, and I think it has gone for generations. We all love to sleep. However, my husband’s family are not that way. They woke up early, and worked until way after sun down. My husband thinks that naps are wasting time and laziness. When we first got married, I was in the habit of taking regular naps. My husband had a really hard time with that. Over our nineteen years of marriage, we have learned to take napping lightly. My husband will occasionally fall asleep on the couch, and I have greatly depreciated the amounts of naps I take. It has taken some give on both of our parts. My husband teases me because I am always tired. I have learned to laugh, and agree with him. We have both become more accepting of the other’s point of view. We have learned that sleep is not something that we want to overwhelm our relationship.
The key to saving your marriage, is to finding coping strategies for both kinds of conflicts. In the case of our short-term conflict, a resolution, and forgiveness were quickly reached. With our perpetual conflict, we have developed coping mechanisms that prevent this conflict from overwhelming our relationship. We avoid situation that worsen the conflict, and implement routines that help lessen them. Most of all, we have learned to be good-natured about the reoccurring conflict. I believe that admittance is the first step. When we can see the problem, that is when we can work towards a solution. The solution may not be a resolution, but it can be a coping mechanism. “Remember to be gentle with each other…No one is right…Focus on fondness and admiration” (Gottman, 157-158). Repent and ask forgiveness when needed. Two simple words, “I’m sorry”, can heal wounds, and marriages.
Forgiveness
When conflicts are unsolvable, or partners fail to see good in each other, the problem may lie in lack of forgiveness. H. Wallace Goddard, PH.D. stated, “The natural spouse is an enemy to marriage. We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then when our partners are unable to meet all our needs, we become resentful. Our distance and resentment are communicated in subtle–or direct—ways. But the message is clear: “You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment. Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and appreciate you” (Goddard, 106). Wouldn’t it be a different world if instead of sending messages of disappointment and a lack of love, we showed forgiveness and compassion.
James E. Faust teaches us how to feel peace in our marriages: “It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. For all of us who forgive “those who trespass against us,” even those who have committed serious crimes, the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort” (Faust, 2007). A person who can exhibit a forgiving heart in their marriage will experience greater joy than they ever knew possible.
I conclude with a challenge from Dr. Goddard: “Are you willing to try a 30-day experiment? For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner? Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner? Rather than count the cost, will you consider seeing the investment as Paul did? He said, “I consider a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ”. Are you willing to invest you whole soul in the hope that you will gain everlasting joy” (Goddard, 112)?
References
Faust, J. E. (2007, April). The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng
Goddard, H. W., PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. M., Ph.D., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Harmony Books.
Making Marriage Happy 